Parental alienation – what it means and how to avoid it

When parents separate or divorce, they usually have strong intentions to protect their children from the negative aspects but this isn’t always straightforward.

The nature and scale of the challenge varies from couple to couple. Some are able to work together and keep things pretty amicable. For others, that’s impossible. Circumstances (things that may have happened in the relationship, for example) and strength of feeling towards one another can make it extremely difficult to untie the legal and practical bonds and move on while completely shielding their children. 

One very serious issue that can arise is ‘parental alienation’. This is where one parent influences their child to turn against the other parent. It is usually a manipulative pattern of communication that places the other parent in a bad light and encourages distance between them and the child. It is different from a situation in which one parent raises genuine concerns about the other – domestic abuse, for example. (Although there are concerns that parental alienation is sometimes alleged purely in response to allegations of abuse.)

Parental alienation is harmful not only because it can ruin a child’s bond with at least one parent, but also because it can affect the way in which the child feels about themselves. Long-term psychological problems may follow.

Avoiding parental alienation

The current starting point when considering parents’ contact with their children is: it’s usually in a child’s best interests to spend time, and maintain a good relationship, with both parents. There are of course exceptions to that. In fact, the law is set to change so that parental involvement won’t be presumed in future, as that presumption is thought to put some children at risk of harm.

However in situations in which there are no safeguarding concerns about the other parent, the key is to try to keep any negative feelings you might have about them away from your child (remember that children pick up on the unspoken things, too – the glares, tutting, frosty vibes.) Encouraging contact where that’s safe means the child shouldn’t feel caught in the middle.

Perhaps one of the most challenging situations is where the negativity comes from the child – perhaps they say they don’t want to spend their planned day with their other parent. When that happens, it’s best to listen (particularly listening out for anything of concern) and to avoid building on the negativity. That can be much easier said than done, but if you can support your child while remaining neutral, you will have avoided ‘siding’ against the other parent and potentially influencing your child to break away from them.

These issues can be extremely delicate and complex. Specific circumstances require specific advice. So, if you are navigating a separation, or are working through life after divorce, contact our team for help and a initial free appointment on family@bsandi.co.uk or call us on 01264 353411.